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[rant, social] word vomit at open mic

· 8 min read

-- final word vomit --

The struggle to make sense of shit. The shitty memory that keeps me coming to the same fucking puzzle of figuring out what I care about what I want what I am good at. The ballance between short term fuck it dopamine injections, long term wellness planning. The social obligations in front of my family, coworkers, friends. The abudance of choice, ideas, but little structure, lower than low discipline, and doing the bare fucking minimum to float. The rush of feeling like the shit in a moment of local glory when you win that board game round. The dramatization of everything, the attention seeking, the lost soul, the fear of tomorrow, the insecurities, the inner hate, the longing for company. The real pain. And tomorrow it is all better. The obsession with money, yet public denial of such and mockery of wealth. The failed projects, the shiniish but 80% based on luck resume, the salary number I am attached to, the fucking hate for the grind. Painful jeolousy when observing real tallent. [I think i stopped reading here] Spelling mistakes, accent, but deteriorating mother tongue. The pitty pipe. The look at me I am important, filty measuring of others against yet others but mostly myself, the generalizations, the need to measure to survive, thrive, have fucking fun, take agency of your life. The word vomit. The reflective sprinkles. The pushing of deadlines out of fear the last minite work on the weekend the white lies, the image. The conversation that feels real, but next time you talk to the person you cannot replicate it. Is it them is it me? The exes, the fucking exes I am still in love with. The haunting of the bad descicions, the obsessions. The debates for fun, the gamification, the different levels people interact on, the missed detail, the small mistake, the reddening of skin when stressed, the fear of public performances. The everyfucking thing. The shows. The new old president, the empathy, the holding back of support, the inability to make good judgment because of lack of information. The need to have an oppinion. Bro this event is not about you, you were supposed to bring something useful to the audience, you are still hoping this stream of disconnected popular triggering tokens will auto complete in people's brains and tickle them enough to come and have a real conversation with you. Swipe left L.

This sounds so good in theory, but it won't be, I am scared just thingking about it, I have changed my mind on what to write about, still probably better than the original hedging against AGI topic though.

I was very much on the fence about performing. I had a plan to write the material long before. Then during the ski trip the same week of the event. Finally Friday evening 24 hours before the event (ended up conciously going to to Steve's, pretty sure I even initiated). And finally finally the same day during the day. Only opening the editor on the log page for the agi hedging for a bit made me consider that I really should write something. And I could not decide on what to write. So I just started streaming things that came to mind. I proceeded to watch a movie and try not to think about the event which was at that point in 2.5 hours.

During the event I tried to interact with the performers as much as I could, while staying reasonable. In the intermission I have added my name to the hat.

I was not as nervous as I thought I would be. Mostly because I was not looking at the crowd when reading, I did not have to learn anything by heart - I was just going to read off my phone.

Got some encouragement and got the juices flowing from some small talks with the people in the room.

Did the thing. I cut it in half. After it I felt like it was well recieved, one woman asked if I am okay (I anticipated this question lol) another woman said that she liked it. The latter one came up to me after the fact and complemented my work, asked me if I am a poet, I tried to be as fucking cool sounding as I possibly could and mysterios... old habbits die hard lol. But like what was I supposed to do? If anything I should have flirted more apparently. I was super sad when she said she is 23 ... its a little too young for my old ass :/ After talking a bit she said 'nice to meet you' and rotated back to her friend(s?) back?? I was heart broken at that point, WHY DIDN'T I ASK FOR A PHONE NUMBER?? No fucking way! Finally I am trying to emotionally recover from this and crash another conversation, as she calls on me again saying, "actually I have a question for you, do you want to hang out at our house at some point?" "mam this does not sound like a question, but more like an invitation" "Oh its okay if you don't want to" "I would love to hang out at your house" (Dying inside and pissing my pants from happiness, she gives me her number)

She even texted me 2ce that night! I was so shoked and was just not ready to reply for a bit because of being too afraid to fuck it up. BROOOO YOU HAVE TO CHILL. Don't give away that you never meet new people and get weird about it!!! Yes its cool, but like, you have to stay cool for it to be cool. But like not overly fake cool. AAAA

Anyways so thats my day. Back to fucking up my sleep schedule and watching something stupid probably.

It is crazy how self centered I am though... its kind of sad. This writing is entirely about me. And the reflection of the event is also entirely about my experience and all the interactions that directly affected me. 0 reflection on the content of what others presented. Let me try and change that at least a bit.

  • The singing was good. Especially the last 2 guys. BOTH country, in SF. SO sureal for some reason.
  • The imagination excercize was good, though I cannot recollect exactly what was imagined. I do remember the performer reminded me of my ex by her looks a little bit which was a strange feeling
  • There was a professional poet there, I rememember her sharing some traumatic experience of being sexually abused at some point and her disliking snoring about herself and some other phisical features
  • Oh there was one person who has
  • Shaun? the singer. And Ashley ... I think who did the keeping track of the co-workers
  • Nick did the alien bit was was quite funny. I really enjoyed the picture that it pained about aliens being a variable and aliens being boring and not interested in humans at all and some satirical parallels drawn between aliens and humans
  • Anna read a poem about war in ukraine "where is home" by another artist, which I think was really humble of her to do. There is plenty of art already out there and sharing your own really is a selfish thing if you think about it. You could share likely objectively better art by someone else, but no, we need it to be original

Idea dump that did not make the cut:

What if game Thinking about your exes and life choices I used to be a person who would say I don’t regret any decisions I made I would not change it Well not anymore For example that time I moved a rook from d2 to x4

Hedging against agi The beautiful story they tell us Machines helping humans

Picking how to spend your time

Playing game mode / making moves How playing axis and allies helps with immigration matters (ideas after it while you are in the making moves mode)

Perks of modeling a relationship as a game. Or a trade. Or a relationship between two parties continuously trading

So if I were trying to get laid it really would hurt my chances just now. And obviously I was - see above. So why? The game is rigged there is no game. There is only god

Does IQ define your attractiveness? For me IQ is snappiness in conversation, being quick on your feet

Burn out. I am sitting here and staring at the ideas I was extremely excited by when originally writing them down. Especially the hedging against AGI. No more. Not today.